Ask Mr. Science Wizard

I'm glad you asked me that, Bobby. Many people believe that the Moon is a huge, planet-like body which is made up of mostly the same things the Earth is made of, such as rocks, sand, small animals like worms, lint, and dust. We now know that this is not true; the Moon is actually made up of a sort of soft kind of brie mixed with cream cheese and rolled in chopped walnuts.

In 1969 Neil Armstrong Custer discovered the Moon by landing on it (he'd actually been looking for a Motel 6 but got lost at the freeway off-ramp because of his crappy gas-station map), opened the hatch of the lunar lander, and uttered the famous phrase: "Glaaaaack!" He slammed the hatch shut again and didn't reopen it until he'd put his helmet on. This is because the Moon is in space, which is filled with a nothing called vacuum (filled with a nothing?), which makes it very hard for people to breathe, and keeps all sounds except zooooooooms and zaps and pows! from being heard. Earth is in space too, but it's surrounded by something called an "atmobomb", which is held in place by giant strips of Velcro located on the Equator. While you can't see a vacuum (unless you get a knock on the door from a Kirby salesman), you can see the atmobomb. In most places it's a sort of crap-brown color. (For those of you in cities where the atmobomb is particularly brown, remember: Always chew your air at least twenty times before you swallow it.)

Many other planets have moons too, some made of cheddar and others of camembert, and a few of gorgonzola. Jupiter has about eighteen hillion skillion jillion moons, while little Venus (where all the flying saucers come from) only has six. They all stay on the other side of Venus from us, which is why you can't normally see them unless you have your X-ray glasses on.

Scientists' greatest fear is... no, not me... that the Moon will be commandeered some day by the hideously-ugly Aliens from Planet X, who will come to Earth with a giant bowl of ruffled potato chips and eat the Moon in the space of a few hours. It's bad enough that this would result in numerous earthquakes, floods, and unemployed lycanthrope-hunters; but the Aliens from Planet X are notorious for their parties, and no one likes to clean up after them. So remember, boys and girls, for the safety of our planet -- our home -- and our economic base: Watch the skies! Unless there's something really good on TV.

I'm glad you asked me that, Timmy. Electricity was first invented in the Revolutionary Era by Benjamin Franklin Pearce, who was famous for pulling bonehead stunts like flying kites in meteor storms. People usually walked to the other side of the street when they saw him coming; after all, this was the man who thought a turkey should be the National Bird instead of the Bald Eagle! Imagine how that would have changed Thanksgiving! But perhaps Mr. Franklin felt a kinship: Turkeys are also too stupid to know when to come in out of the rain. Oh yeah. Sorry. Mr. Science Wizard hasn't had one of his pills for a while. Just a minute... there. Much better. Electricity is the thing that comes out of the little rectangular holes in the wall, which some people call sockets or outlets, but are technically known to us scientists as plug-ins. Electricity is invisible unless it's jumping up from the ground into the sky (it likes to do that; electricity is a fun-loving little guy) or unless you convince your little brother to lick his finger and put it in an empty light socket, taking care to be sure Mommy and Daddy aren't in the house. Then you can really see electricity at work.

Electricity grows in the walls of your house as something called a "power-plant." Many people think these plants are "mold" and sometimes "mildew." When a power-plant blooms its electricity flows into your toaster and your television (and your bathtub, if the TV falls in while you're watching it). It also flows into your hair dryer, which is why they have little labels on them now that say "WARNING! CAUTION! ALERT! DO NOT USE IN THE SHOWER! SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH OR A BAD HAIR DAY COULD RESULT!" I don't know about you, boys and girls, but I'm really glad the hair-dryer people put those labels there, because I'd never have figured that out for myself. Many times I've felt I should go ahead and dry my hair while still showering. How about you?

Electricity can be stored for a while in special things called "cells." These "cells" are where we keep convicted murderers. They get loaded with electricity, then they are sat down in a chair and "grounded." What that means is that all the electricity they've collected pops out of them and into the "ground," or, technically, "dirt." This plants the seeds for more power-plants, and that's how we keep on getting electricity.